Miss Fanny P’s story struck a chord with me. Just recently, doing too much stopped me from doing anything well. A few weeks back, while driving, I had my first panic attack.
I called a crisis hotline, terrified, and all I could think about the advice I was getting — “Try to relax.” — was,”Oh my God, I can’t relax!!!! If I did I would just cry and be even more behind, and a wreck!” (Same thing about prayer.) So, I basically ignored the good advice and somehow carried on.
A week later I was in the hospital with something that felt like a heart attack (but wasn’t), begging everyone to just let me finish the last few weeks, and my family staring back at me saying, “You are in the hospital. You can’t do this anymore.”
I’m glad somebody else was praying for me because I had become incapable of letting go of anything.
I had worked myself sick. I thought,”Sucess is not for quitters.” Success, in the end, came from taking two medical incompletes and reconnecting with the other two classes, my family, the friends I still had left, and my jobs.
This weekend is mother’s day, and the house is blissfully quiet, and two of my classes are done. I have not resumed full work-weeks, and I have a lot of time alone. . . to think. I finished crying sooner than I thought, then I made some fabulous art, got accepted into a juried show, won an award, spent quality time with my family, and got a cool mural commission that is tremendously fun.
I was scared to think, scared to let go, and even though everything I was afraid of happened, it turned out better than my frazzled mind could imagine.